Deny or Indulge?

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Do we forget?

Dear Self, how often do I indulge you?

I was convicted that indulgence in clothing purchases was a problem last year. The Lord challenged me this year with the tragedy in Haiti to die to that indulgence. I failed once. Fortunately I have a friend who loves me enough to hold me accountable and ask me, "how is your commitment going?" ~gulp!~

Why why do I freely indulge in things that have no eternal value? I have been seeing things in a different light recently. The Light. Of Eternity. It's where I am instructed to fix my eyes, but I forget. So I am asking myself this question with daily things, "What will this gain for heaven?"

Freedom has been a common buzz word in Christianity in the last decade. Unfortunately so has calling each other names like "legalistic" and "judgemental". But I have to ask, "have we undone ourselves?" Have we successfully snuffed out the light in our "freedom"? Have we used our freedom to indulge the sinful nature instead of to serve one another as God intended?...

Do we live our lives in self-protection instead of honoring one another?

I have been reading the Chronological One Year Bible this year, and frankly the Old Testament leaves me with a lot of questions. As a result, I have been enjoying rich commentary on 2 Samuel this week. I have been challenged deeply in this area (indulgence) as I learn of how King David indulged himself and then his sons, which resulted in depravity when they were left undisciplined. It is a sad story. If you are curious, you can read here. The king who has a heart after God lost so much when he indulged himself and his children...God is always merciful when we are repentant (and even when we are not!) but often the consequences of our choices are not removed.

in·dulge   

.to yield to, satisfy, or gratify (desires, feelings, etc.): to indulge one's appetite for sweets.

.to yield to the wishes or whims of; be lenient or permissive with: to indulge a child.
.to allow (oneself) to follow one's will (usually fol. by in): to indulge oneself in reckless spending.

deny
deny oneself, to refrain from satisfying one's desires or needs; practice self-denial.

Daily I have a choice. One way is easy, the other is hard.

Lord, help me to live in obedience. Thank you that you died to cover my sins and then you sent your Spirit to live in me and enable me to deny myself. I cannot do it without you. Help me be considerate of others in my choices, and to honor you. Amen.

Break Down My Friend

Have you ever tried really hard to hold it all together, and the harder you try, the worse it gets?

John 12:23-25

Jesus replied, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

I was sitting in the parking lot of the highschool a few years ago. I was a mess. We had returned from our mission trip to New Orleans with our youth group. Our family had been in a battle for the previous several months with our daughter and an ex boyfriend. The situation seemed to be on the wind-down when we left for the trip; which helped a little since they were both on it. He had a new girlfriend, but I still felt uneasy.

I saw them sitting together on the bus, I cautioned her to keep her distance knowing things had the potential to flare up, but she felt things were okay and wanted to be nice.

Mid trip brought a conflict however, which resulted in the pastor taking them aside and telling them to have nothing to do with each other, to go through adults if they had anything to say to each other. But during our leaders meeting, he pursued her to "apologize" and she kept walking away in obedience to the Pastor's instructions. It was "just what the devil ordered" for bringing stress, pain, and misunderstanding. It resulted in rebuke from several of the kids toward Kayla and her friend. I felt the need to confront a few of the young women who were "infringing on my battleground" and knew very little, if anything, about what had been taking place in our lives prior. Admittedly, I acted out of my anger, and should have been more gentle.

To shorten a long story, when we got back, we were "the bad guys". Both Kayla and I were frowned at and ignored by several who had been on the trip. We refused to defend ourselves and chose instead to be ridiculed or thought ill of rather than disclose information that could hurt others involved.

But it hurt. Both of us. Bad.

So I was sitting in the parking lot that day, feeling the heavy weight of this burden, when a song came on by Gersh (I think he only ever made one cd, and I owned it for me. That day.) The lyrics go something like this:

Breakdown

I have been watching you

and this is hard to see

brave, brave player in your tragedy

you think if you're strong enough

just last long enough

well that's not enough

to calm the storm in you

breakdown

my friend

you don't even realize

how hurt you'be been

breakdown

to this

the best thing you could ever do is

fall to pieces

fall into the loving arms of Jesus

and breakdown

well this hurts so much

we all love you so

can we tell you something

 you already know

He is strong enough and

tough enough

you've told others that before

you've held out long enough

this time you're the

one He is reaching for

{repeat chorus}

{bridge}

{repeat chorus}

And I did just that. I broke down with Jesus there in the truck with me. In sobs of freedom, I felt so relieved to put that burden on Him. I was in process of being that seed that dies again. Of dying to myself and not doing what I had every desire to do, and that was go defend myself.

In doing so, I was blessed to experience the sweet presence of Jesus that day, I was able to rise up and be His. To know His love would uphold me and my daughter no matter what. He proves to be our defender in every battle we let Him fight on our behalf. Sometimes like with David running and hiding from Saul, we have to wait longer than we would like, but He works in our hearts... He has in mine. I trust Him more today than before

I think all has now been forgiven. We have all moved on. Kayla is married to a man she met on that trip. God is good.

I just finished reading this book:
Brokenness

I highly recommend it for anyone who feels walled in and needing to have a heart-revival.

There are blessings in brokenness.

Rivers of Living Water For My Liberty

I have been ashamed of my story. Because I "knew better". But as God has delivered me from the ash heap, and I walk in more victory, more freedom, I know He wants me to tell it. Sometimes I fight against longing for those days back. A redo. But the closer I get to the Lord, the less it matters.

John 7:37-39

On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive...

I found my life depleted that fall of 1999. It was the year I put Kayla in 4th grade in public school. I thought life would slow down, but it didn't. I had prayed diligently and received confirmation that it was God's will for her to go to school, but there were still gnawing anxieties about it. I continued to homeschool Ethan in his second grade year. We walked Kayla to school every morning and as I left her, I felt empty and insecure.

That same fall, my sister moved to our town. After deciding to have a weekend boutique in my home, she offered to help me craft. I thought it was an ideal plan. I could school Ethan in the morning, she could come and I could start her on projects, and I could join her when Ethan was finished with his work. Then we could pick up Kayla, do dinner, and family time in the evening. But it ended up being alot of pressure to keep things on the agenda for her to do.

Surmounting issues continued to arise in my life that fall. My husband was working on building the Excel Energy Center in St Paul, MN. They were on mandatory overtime and Saturdays, so his patience was very thin. We were experiencing strain on our relationship for the first time in our 16 years of marriage.

My best friend wrote me a letter telling me that she was done inviting me over for dinner because we always said "no". The reason I always had to say "no" was my husband was too depleted to go anywhere after work, and never wanted to leave the house. I had explained this to her, but looking back, I wonder if it was more of my busyness that was the issue. I don't know.

The last leg on the stool to fall was my mom and mentor had a very difficult issue arise at her church that sent her reeling, and depleted as well.

Eventually my well was dry. I remember quoting Phillipians 4:6,7 to myself...be anxious for nothing...and the peace...will guard your heart and mind...but. I didn't apply it. It was as if I couldn't, didn't know how.

Jeremiah 2:13

"My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water."

I didn't realize I had forsaken the Lord. The truth was, I was walking in self-reliance,  trusting Him with only a little piece of my heart. The following year would take me to a place of complete and utter brokeness. I would experience dark terror from the enemy haunting me with accusations of my inadequacies and lies that the Lord would never accept me back. I would finally come to the end of myself. Again.

I had lived in close relationship with the Lord for 10 years prior, I had once before been in a dark, dry place like this for a brief time, and been lifted out with the loving arms of Jesus. But I forgot the things He taught me in that valley.

2 Peter 1:12,13  So I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have. I think it is right to refresh your memory as long as I live in the tent of this body..

Aftter getting through the boutique in November, helping with Kayla's play at school before Christmas, and the holidays that year, I didn't have the extra work any longer. I kept thinking things would get better. I couldn't figure out why I was struggling so much. I sought help, but everywhere I turned for refreshment was a dry well. I called my pastor to pray. Dry. I went to a counselor. Dry. I was doing better that summer as I hosted a Bible study in my home with 3 other women, but when fall rolled around, they were too busy and once again...Dry.

My problem was unbelief. And a desperate need for Spirit filled people to come along beside me. I think everyone in my life was in a drought during that time. I longed for fellowship with people who were walking in the Spirit. I would get small amounts of refreshment at times, but mostly continued to trudge along in that desert.

My healing came from four significant things: First, daily mega-amounts of time sitting in the Presence of God, reading His word, and listening to Him. Second, an older woman inviting me to her house to pray once a week. And third, a woman's weekend confrence that I have continued to attend for seven years where there were workshops with Living Water flowing freely...and finally obedience. I kept doing what I knew God wanted me to do.

The Lord met me in those places and began to rebuild what he had allowed to be torn down. To "renew" the mind means to tear something down and then rebuild it. I was in process of restoration.

As in any restoration project, it takes time. But with diligence, effort, commitment, patience, and an Expert Builder. I arose from the wreckage; today I have a secure foundation.

His Truth has set me free. His Spirit is my source of everything. I no longer live, but it is Christ living in me. I walk by faith, not by sight. Not perfectly, but mostly...more victoriously. Daily. I hold His hand. He has made me to know His love experientially, what I only knew a small amount before I had been forgiven so much. I don't think I will ever forget again that without Him I am nothing. He is wise in allowing trials to purify His children. He knows what they produce...for His Glory...He is so good.

2 Corinthians 3:17 Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.

God Is Still In Control When You Are In A Pit

Have you ever felt like God is so far away that you are sure you must be "cut off" from Him? Have you experienced what some call "the dark night of the soul"? Have you been in a pit that you could not climb out of but by the grace of God. A strong and mighty hand was the only thing that would suffice to deliver you?

You are not alone. It is said by several speakers and authors (usually those who have gone on before us) that God's people will inevitably experience such a time.

I did. 1999...I "went in" to a pit of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. No matter what I tried, what I read, how much I tried to "Tell Myself the Truth", or quote scripture, I remained in such a state. For a year I struggled, and during the times when I had other women meeting with me, my head would stay above water, but when school started the fall of 2000, the women were too busy to meet, and I was once again alone in a darkness it would take me too long to describe. That fall was "the dark night of my soul".

I slept very little, the insomnia I had was beyond what I ever knew a human to be able to go through. And if you have experienced oppression, you understand and agree with me that it is in the most vulnerable dark place where the enemy comes in and hurls accusations at you and tells you what a loser you are, and attacks you with whatever works against you. I was in the deep shadows of unbelief, fear and condemnation. The hair literally stood up on the back of my neck a few times when I saw the filth of my soul...

And yet... a thread of faith was ever present. It was in the moments of deep despair and near hopelessness when the Lord would whisper a truth that I could stand on...like..."when we are faithless, He will be faithful for He cannot disown Himself." I knew I had no faith. My husband had shouted it at me one morning in his frustration with my lack of sleep. BUT then...the Lord whispered, "I have given you a measure of faith." Always coming through for me ever so quietly, and sometimes very rare it seemed, but just when I needed it most...The Lord's voice. When I felt crazy, I heard "but we have the mind of Christ." When I felt I had no place going to church, I was too pathetic, I heard, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."~always a whisper.

It was in the darkness where I died to my self. I learned that the things I expected of myself, and the things others expected from me could not be fulfilled by me. I am powerless. Without the Lord and His power, I am a clay pot. Without His power, His life in me, I am an empty vessel. Barren. Dead.

It was in this darkness where I found life. True life. Not life by human power...for all flesh fails. But Holy Spirit power. The ability to let go of what I could not hold on to...responsibility, creating, or sustaining anything on my own, to the freedom to exist with the life of the Spirit of God in me, and the power of God to work through me, to give Him the responsibility...the credit...the glory for anything good in my life, and to release the disappointments to Him to make into something for His purposes.

I began to see a counselor at some point in the initial year of my anxiety, and after several times seeing him, cried to the Lord, "God, this is going to take 100 years!!!!!! Your word says that You are the Wonderful Counselor, please help me!" ...So I sat with the Lord for one to three hours every day for... well, it has been 10 years. Reading His word, talking to Him, listening to Him. He took me back to things in the past, he brought me to places of pain, and challenge in the years that followed, and gradually He has set me free. I am totally free today. His truth has and continues set me free.

What brings me great joy today is to tell you that God had a purpose in allowing me in the pit. When I was there I struggled with all the same issues you probably do/did...Was it something I did? Do I need to do something? Is there something I am missing? Does God love me still? I mean, I know in my head, but my heart just cannot seem to believe it or receive it...

But now...the ability to understand the pit, to encourage and love people through it, to know that God is doing something in the darkness that could never be done in the light. Like the seed that goes into the ground and dies before it becomes a plant. You, child of God, will experience a death that the life of Christ might be made manifest in you. You see, we limit God with our striving, and we strive naturally, only by a work of God in our lives will we be able to lay down our striving in order for Him to rise up in us.

The Bible says we need to take up our cross daily. It is not a one time death. It is a daily choice, but there is a time, a season of pruning that God will take you through to get you ready for the ministry He wants to do through your life. Some might go through a couple of pits, some might be darker than others...but all of us must experience a measure of darkness in order for the jar of clay to be broken (our flesh) and the light of Jesus to shine out and bring true life into this world...

Look up, sister, for your redemption draws near!

Laying Aside the Old Self: Running with the New Self

Strip off your old self, which follows your former ways of living and ruins you as it follows the desires that deceive you. Become new in the spirit of your minds, and put on the new self, which is created to be like God, righteous and holy in the truth. Ephesians 4:22-24, MLB


I wanted to say, "Hey, I already thought of that!" but in my spirit, I knew that would be self-promotion, and I no longer live for myself. So I bit my tongue~again.


Why? Why do I still struggle with such selfish thoughts and desires?


I understood what Paul meant when he said, "Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:24,25 NASB This our daily reality. To "strip off the old self and put on the new self"


The old self is the selfish self. The new creation bows to God in reverence and submission. When we become spiritually born (born again) we no longer succumb to our sinful self. We have a new heart, and a new life. But we still have to contend with the old self. It doesn't die when we become born again. We have to choose to crucify it daily.


Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. Luke 9:23


See? There it is...take up your cross. We have to crucify our old natural inclinations to focus on, to promote, or please ourself. Our new goal or focus it to promote and please God.


Our natural inclination in viewing ourselves tends to lean toward pride and arrogance such as Peter displayed when he told Jesus, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you." Or we lean toward inferiority such as Moses did when he said, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent...I am slow in speech and tongue...please send someone else to do it." In either case, the focus is on "I" and not God.


Our new life in Christ enables us to be balanced with humility and confidence. However this doesn't just happen overnight. It is something we have to walk out and attend to, as we trust and obey the Lord. This does mean we keep our eyes/thoughts fixed on Him.


Freedom comes from being content with who God made us to be. Knowing how cherished we are, we can rest in His love for us. Ephesians 1:3-14 talks about our identity. We are truly blessed, chosen, predestined, included, adopted, marked with the Holy Spirit, forgiven, redeemed, and have been given revelation knowledge of God's will. In Him, we are His Beloved!

"He made you and therefore understands you, and knows how to manage you, and you must trust Him to do it." Hannah Whitall Smith