Thursday, July 19, 2012

They Make It Seem So Easy, The Radio People

But it is not. Not to me when I'm there!

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” ~Joshua 1:9

Today I had my third "wee gig" on the radio. Only this time it is a pre-recorded spot for (she said perhaps) Friday. The first time I was asked to be a guest on Susie Larson's daily radio program on KTIS 'Live the Promise', it was spur-of-the-moment because we were supposed to do lunch. Her and I and our friend Tami. Susie happened to be doing a show with the audience as the guest so she wanted a few 'in house' and she asked us to join her. 

I left with a desire for a 'do-over' because it all happens so fast and I felt horrible for not letting the mispronunciation of my last name fly. Could I have missed the voice inside saying, "Hush woman!"? Add to that, I am a slow processor of information, and in hindsight, I  know I could have done better. I could always, always do better (There is that voice, 'not good enough').

I am learning to be okay with good enough. Learning that is a slow process for a recovering perfectionist. 

When 'on the spot' processing, I feel like a turtle trying to run with a rabbit. {Which is actually true of my running!} I'm not sure if it is anxiety from feeling the need to be efficient with words, well aware of my 'um's and my 'ah's since they were pointed out to me in the past... or if it is just me being a Baloo. {Think: Jungle Book}

The Spirit reminds me that when I walk by faith I can trust that my meager offerings will be a demonstration of the Spirit's power through me. (1 Corinthians 2:4) I pray. I pray.

I want to question God about opening up these doors that I am not so comfortable walking through and then I remember His words to Moses that went something like this: "Who gave you your lips?"

I get done, and having felt the nerves, I feel that familiar sense of guilt, or is it regret... or failure? I try to shake it off staying busy putting my groceries away and moving on to the next thing. 

I talk to Jesus. Lord, forgive me for trembling. Again. So often there, and yet THANK YOU that you chose me to speak of my faith in you and may it encourage someone else who is struggling in their faith and waiting on you to move a mountain for them!

I will, by His grace, keep moving forward through the open doors despite my feelings and trust that He who made my lips also directs them as He directs my steps. (Psalm 37:23 and Proverbs 20:24). 

He says, when I am weak, He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:10) and I find that to be a great relief!

Joining Duane Scott in Unwrapping His Promises here: 


Alicia said...

Oh, friend, I knew you reminded me of someone.. myself perhaps? I am a recovering perfectionist too. Just left a gooey handprint on my window this morning to remind myself that my home, my life, my walk doesn't need to be perfect as long as I'm clinging to Christ's hand :)

Jedidja said...

Thank you for your honest post. I am a woman with ADHD. Just so I strive for perfection because I know that so many go wrong through my concentration problems. But ... may make mistakes. If I experience His embracing, I laugh at myself and think: In Him I am perfect! I am OK.

Thank you for you writing! I like it.

Tammi said...

Hi Kathy, I am so glad I stopped by here. I needed to read this, especially as this summer semester is winding down. This has been a hard semester for me, because of my perfectionist-ways. the clinical aspects of ultrasound is a skill that must be developed. . and oh how i would love to have the skill already developed! Anyway, it takes time..and I needed to read this post. Especially "I will, by His grace, keep moving forward through the open doors despite my feelings and trust that He who made my lips also directs them as He directs my steps. (Psalm 37:23 and Proverbs 20:24)." I am going to keep moving forward, as He directs my steps. THANK YOU for posting this!
Hope that you are doing well.
I posted a tribute video (new song- serenaded by angels) in honor of my sister's 15th year with the Lord on my blog. Amazing how the Lord can take a shattered broken heart and put it back together again!:)
Love and hugs