Thursday, September 27, 2012

Piercing Regret ~ How to Find Hope and Healing

instantly apologized for being unwise {that seems too nice a word} , I think I read a quick-subtle look of "oh, no!" on my sweet friend's face and I was cued to my error. My heart sunk as I knew, {I knew!} what must be going through her mind and churning in her heart. Because I have been her. I have wanted to shield my children from ugly things that they are too young to handle, {Are we are ever really mature enough to handle them?} and shield myself from having to relay the ills of this world to them.

As I consider and as I express to others the power of speaking words to bring life into our living. (Proverbs 18:21) To illuminate the darkness in a soul to set it free with truth (John 8:36)... I found my mouth spilled spewed a story that instantly after telling it, caused me deep remorse. I told a story to my friend while on a walk with her and her children {who were not at an age where they should have to hear of {the reality of soldiers taking their own lives}}. What blew my mind was that I did not think of the end of the story as I began it...as if it had a different point. One not so ugly. Where is the rewind button???

In the instant of regret was an inward cry upward, and in the prayer a whisper back to me..."pray with her when you get back home. Change the subject for now." so I talked about learning to drive a tractor when I was twelve. The boys, of around 6 and 9 years old followed my lead...thank you God

In awkward human-weakness, after returning to her house, I prayed a bold prayer with her. (She thanked me, assured me of grace.) Then I said good-bye with less faith than I longed for, that the Lord would cover me on this one. My words had pierced my friend I guessed, and my words pierced my own heart too. Words that I cannot take back. Once words are out there, there they are. All the raw evidence of my weak and flawed humanity...and what can I do? I pray...

Lord, shield little hearts from misspoken words, and help me find peace and faith. Help me to trust you! I sent out an email to a few close friends to pray for me and my friends and the boys...

And then the magazine, Voice of the Martyrs arrives in my mail-box, and all I do is take one glance and recall stories I have read of real-ugly things real children see. Their families and friends tortured, their parents abducted. A bit of comfort in reality? Not so much. And not excusing my foolishness, but comforting me in the Lord's ability to answer my prayer that there would be no detrimental effects from my temporary insanity. (assured because I recall also how the children not only survive but thrive often in this crazy life) ...That He would intercept and keep the innocent boys from thoughts that would be difficult for them to process, He would help my friend know how to counsel her children wisely-He knows their needs. My heart breaks and broken things need fixing... words cannot be retracted, but I know a God who performs miracles and I asked for one today. He is my only hope and I know He is all hope needs to land upon. (Psalm 91:15) 

Would you please pray? 
Pray for the innocent boys and girls everywhere who are exposed to the ugliness of life with no parents to intercept their fears.
Pray for the soldiers(Who need to know the God of hope can help them)
Pray for the persecuted(Who need to sense that the God of hope is with them)
Pray for us who have tongues of fire (James 3:6), for grace to tame them and especially mine. (Who needs the God of hope to cover and to make me wise)
Thank you. Thank you for reading, and for praying and thank you, thank You ...for grace. 

2 comments:

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Sometimes, my mouth gets ahead of good sense. I get it; I've wanted to hit the rewind button thousands of times. All we can do in those moments is rely on God's strength, humility, and truth to prevail.

Kids have an amazing ability to reason out truth when given the opportunity. This doesn't mean we say too much too soon, but it does mean that God's grace and understanding comes alongside to make sense of tragedy.

You are a beautiful role model to so many, Kathy, even in the way you handled yourself here. Thank you for being so sensitive to the Spirit's leading.

peace~elaine

Jedidja V. said...

Hi, this is really a blog seized from everyday life. Very recognizable. Thank you for your openness. It touched me.

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