Thursday, April 3, 2008

Mind Muddle

Praise the Lord O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name. Psalm 103:1

"Quagmire" That is what I kept thinking I was in yesterday...only I wasn't sure what it meant so I looked it up and it is "in a bog". I realized I was in a bog(wet spongy ground/swamp) in my mind. A hard place to get out of and very frustrating. I felt anxious, and wasn't articulating what was going on. As I prayed this morning about it, the Lord showed me what my quagmire consisted of. Now I need His help to get out.

I have struggled with "fear of man" or- as Joyce Meyers book-title puts it:(which I have not read, but suspect I could have written) "Approval Addiction". Mostly I fear disappointing those in authority over me...first my dad, then my husband. I have also struggled with certain friends who are "authorative" in nature. And I realized this morning how I sometimes do with my daughter. I knew by her countanance that she was upset with me, but she can never seem to tell me why until hours later.I have tried to press her for the "why" so often, but it makes it more difficult. So I must wait until she is ready. Until then, though I speculate and feel like I have failed her and feel anxious to fix things.

Later then, my husband asked the question a wife doesn't want to hear at the end of a challenging and (what felt like an) unproductive day..."What did you get done???" YIKES I felt right away like the failure I am always trying so hard not to be. Worse, I felt like I had failed the Lord in failing my daughter and then my husband (he's hoping I get some painting done on some birdhouses he made to sell)

So I asked Jesus, "what is this quagmire? How do I get out?"
"I am your defender, your strong tower, your deliverer"
But Lord, I should have made my husband's priorities my priorities today. (guilt)
"But you made my priorities your priorities today, didn't you ask me to guide you? Do you trust me to come through for you? Who are you resting in? You or Me?"
I am trying to do it all perfectly (in my own strength again...)I guess that'd be me. And Lord, it isn't restful at all when I am acting like this.
"Okay, put it all over here, remember, my yoke is easy and my burden is light. I'll carry the weight. You just walk here beside me, okay? Let me work this all out."

So today, I found out my husband wasn't really as disappointed as I thought. I have done much praying and talking with Kayla and Jesus is bringing growth to both of us through the challenges in our relationship. We both need to trust more (the Lord and each other). And Oh,...we need to try to keep it light. (I am the worst at taking things too seriously)

Father, praise you for your ever persent help when I get stuck in a quagmire. Please help me rest and trust more in your perfect plan. Give me grace to lighten up. Thank you that you make bitter things sweet. Thank you that you use our weaknesses to show your strength. Thank you for your loving kindness. Forgive me for trying to achieve what you came to give me. Help me stop doing that!! Amen

1 comment:

A Stone Gatherer said...

Oh I can so identify! I love your conversation with God! continue to listen to him and not the things that satan wants us to think! Thanks for reminding me of the same!